“I need some space”
Why does that phrase scare me so fucking much? I guess to me, if someone were to tell me that, it feels like they’re basically telling me, “Oh, you’re too clingy. Let me put a wall between us two because I don’t like how you’re getting too attached.” I’m sorry, it’s just in my nature. I wouldn’t expect that someone like you would have such a big impact in my life, therefore having to be with you is practically an impulse without my consent sometimes. It’s just a feeling that takes over that I want to be with someone important in my life like yourself; because with you, I can actually imagine a future. If I can imagine that, then obviously I can’t really even fathom the idea of you being out of my life, let alone you separating even by the slightest bit; because every single day, I find that I’m falling more and more for you. And for you to one day tell me that we’ll have to separate a bit kinda scares me because you’re practically telling me, “Hey, fuck your feelings, because I don’t feel the same way. Just move on with your life, it’s for the best.”
I know it’s bad to wish, but
Sometimes I wish I could really see people’s reactions when I disappear out of their life, get severely injured, or anything that’s just really bad that will happen to me. Will people actually come see me at my deathbed? Will they shed a tear for a loss of a loved one? Would they even be traumatized by the fact that I am no longer in their lives? Will anyone have regret to have said or not said things to me before I left my time here on Earth? I don’t know. A lot of these questions run through my mind, and the list just goes on and on. I really wonder I’ve ever really made that much of an impact on someone’s life. Sometimes, you just have to leave people for you to realize how much you mean to them.
I hate these moments where I feel so lonely and as if I’m not good for anyone. I feel like I’m going to be a terrible girlfriend if I ever even get into a relationship; and these guys, they already know that I’m gonna be terrible (just because I don’t do this, or do that, etc), which is why I guess I feel this loneliness. I hate this moment where I feel like being an individual; being original and different, is a bad thing. It makes me feel so apart from the world. And when I see all that love crap, doesn’t really help. It just makes me think and ponder more whether or not I’m destined to live my life with someone or not. And that scares me. What if it’s not in my fate that I were to have that special someone in my life? All these years, I’ve been given false hope then? What a disappointment that would be.