if i named my future child Johnathan, is his nickname John or Nathan?
it’s either i have too many emotions or none at all and there’s no in between and it’s really hard being like that because it’s either i’m going to be really cold and distant towards you or i’ll be too attached and clingy and no one likes either but i’ve already told myself that i’m okay with loneliness so please don’t make it seem like you’d be okay being with a total wreck who can’t fully rely on themselves
is there such a thing as caring in the wrong way? i mean, i get that some people care for me and are looking out for me, but it just kinda gets to the point where it seems controlling or that i don’t have privacy and it’s like “dude, i get that you care but it’s not helping me” and i really don’t want to offend them because they’re doing their best but it’s really hurting me at the same time too
ya feel me
I really don’t want to get near anyone. I’m just not ready to get hurt again. Even if they haven’t reached that point, I know somehow I’ll end up making them leave. I can’t explain how I feel about people I actually care about; I get all choked up and lack the courage to expose how I really feel. But when spirits of anger and spite come into the picture, telling someone to go away because as easy as blinking my eyes, and poof every person I’ve ever met has simply disappeared.
I think a reason of why people don’t like me is that I end up bringing other people along to gatherings, uninvited. But it’s like I’m this magnet who can’t say no and when they invite themselves, I just get all quietly awkward because I don’t have the gall to tell them that they can’t join me in my other endeavours. Even when it’s time I want to spend by myself, some people somehow find me and just intrude my space, and just ugh I don’t know.
I need space. I need to breathe. I mean, it’s nice that people come and hang out with me, but it’s never during the right time.
I would do just about anything to learn how to write and speak in Latin eloquently.
I would say kill, but I’d kill just because, ew, people. Haha.
I’ve been constantly fighting with the demons that live in my mind, but sooner or later, I came to the realization that you can’t fight yourself. Either way, you’re going to lose to some degree.
I’m on my demons’ side. It’s us against the world.
And all of the sudden, everything seemed more manageable knowing that I let my demons save me. Things have a way of coming back to us, in ways least expected. And I guess this is one of those moments.
An open letter to Raf,
It’s been awhile since the thought of you has entered my mind, but somehow, out of the blue the idea of you just came into my mind just now.
Well, I hope all is well in all that you do. I’ll admit, I’m still fairly bitter about the way things ended, and even more on how you’re attacking mutual friends of ours about me, but you know what? It’s your life, your choices. You are completely entitled to what you say and do.
But what comes up, must come down. And I hope you’re well aware that your actions will have repercussions, not only to you, but to the people around you too. Will you have the conscience to be aware of how you’re destroying yourself and everyone else with your attitude and words? I guess you can say the same for me, but I’ve accepted myself with the demons; I’m on their side now. Can you say the same for yourself?
I still can’t believe you’d believe him. I know we’ve only gotten to know each other personally recently, but really… If you’re going to doubt me, that doesn’t really say much on how you’re different from the others. Because once I start explaining myself, how do you see that as? Excuses? Maybe. Either way, it doesn’t change the fact that I have to explain myself to you because you doubted me.
I could care less if he was there or not. And even if I did, why would I say yes being completely aware that it’d be inevitable to see someone I dislike? Why would I put myself in that kind of position? I’ll tell you right now, I was on the verge of saying no just because of that sole reason. But you know what? I sucked it up, and thought that hanging out with you for a whole night was going to be worth that risk of potentially punching people in the face. Yes, that sounded weird, but you get my point. I’m willing to become unhappy because I think you’re worth that risk.
But what is that to you really? Probably just some pathetic excuse you’ve heard before.
You can’t force someone to open up to you, I guess that’s just the case. It’s your life, your choices. As much as you want to help them and get them out of that spiralling hole, how are you supposed to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved?
i’m a pretty straight up person but when it comes to trying to say things about myself i’m as clear as mud
like if it’s about anyone, i’m not afraid to say it straight up to their face
but then there’s just me who’s like totally not comfortable talking about anything related to me